Tired of the stress, of the chaos, of trying to hold it together, of trying to control it again and again… and failing. Tired of not being the person you can be, and (although you may not believe it) the person you really are — your authentic self.
At who you’ve become in your addiction. You find yourself feeling regretful for what you have done, to your family, to others, to yourself, when you are drinking alcohol, when you are abusing drugs, when you are wasting your time, wasting your money, wasting away, wasting your life.
And you are angry at others, but mostly you are angry at yourself.
By trying to keep all together; by not letting others in to see the addicted you. You know life is not supposed to be this way. You are sometimes amazed at who you have become, by your actions, how you keep lowering your bar, and that you are in the situation in which you find yourself.
Of the fear that you constantly live in. Of running into someone. Of picking up the phone. Of being found out. Of dying. You know that you cannot go on like this. Something has to give and when it does, it will not be good.
You cannot see how you can be happy if you cannot drink, if you cannot use. You know that you cannot be happy if you do. Your life seems to be hanging on by a thread and you are falling apart at the seams.
Something in you knows, something hidden away under the layers of addiction, resentment, fear, anger, frustration and lack of control knows that life can be better than this, it HAS to be better than this — but how?
Mark Sadler, Executive Director